How to Express Anger Fully (Without the Fallout) — An NVC Guide

On shedding habits of blame & saddling up for the Year of the Fire Horse with heart

READ TIME: 5 minutes

“I don’t want to be compassionate. I want them to feel how angry I am.”

If you’ve ever thought that, you’re not alone.

A couple of friends have said this to me recently and I’ve heard versions of it many times before. There's a common misconception that NVC is only for calm, soft-spoken people who prefer peace over passion.

But that’s not it at all.

The Truth About Anger in NVC

NVC isn’t about suppressing anger.

It’s about expressing it fully — in a way that’s honest, embodied, and connected to what really matters.

It’s not about being “nice.”

It’s about standing for life — powerfully, fiercely, and… without causing more harm.

So how do we do that?

Anger As a Wake-Up Call, Not a Weapon

Marshall Rosenberg taught that anger itself isn’t the problem — blame is.

Anger is a powerful signal. It tells us that something we care about isn’t being acknowledged or protected. But when we aim that anger at others (through blame or attack) we’re less likely to be heard and way more likely to fuel conflict.

Instead of unleashing it outward or turning it inward, NVC invites us to turn toward our anger, and use it to reconnect with our core needs.

Not 

“Don’t Be Angry”,

but 

“Go Deeper”

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Most of us were taught two strategies for handling anger:

1. Explode (blame, shame, punish)

2. Suppress (numb out, disconnect)

NVC offers a third way:

Feel it. Name it. Own it. Express it

— with power and care.

 4-Step Process for Expressing Anger Fully 

1. Stop & Breathe

Pause. I know this is easier said than done-  but even one deep breath can give you enough space to shift from reaction to choice.

2. Notice the Judgments in Your Mind

Anger is almost always fuelled by a story of wrongness:
“They’re selfish.” “She doesn’t care.” “He’s useless.”
These thoughts are perhaps natural, but acting from them rarely helps. 

Notice them… not to shame yourself, but so you can choose not to act from them.

3. Connect with Your Feelings and Needs

This is the heart of it. Beneath the judgments is a feeling — often hurt, fear, frustration, or helplessness.

And beneath that feeling is a beautiful, universal human need. It might be a need for safety, respect, mutuality, honesty, care, or shared reality.

For example

“I’m angry because he ignored me.”

becomes →

“I’m feeling really frustrated & hurt, because I value consideration & mutual care.”

4. Express the Truth — Without the Blame

Instead of:

“You’re so rude. You never listen.”

Try:

“When I saw you walk away, I felt really hurt and frustrated. I was needing more care & acknowledgment in our connection. Are you open to talking about it?”

This is what expressing anger fully looks like:
You speak your truth, without making them wrong.

Why This Matters

When we express anger through this lens:

• We model emotional responsibility

• We reduce harm and invite connection

• We stay aligned with our values – even when it’s hard

And most importantly…

We reclaim anger as a force for life, not destruction.

A Word About Self-Empathy

Sometimes we can’t speak right away. The other person may not be ready. We may not be ready.

In those moments, self-empathy is your anchor.

Ask yourself:

• What am I feeling right now?

• What do I need that’s not being met?

• Can I offer myself some warmth, care, or compassion?

Just doing this can shift your nervous system out of reactivity and into a state where connection becomes possible again.

But what if I want to SCREAM?!

Good. Let that energy move.

Screaming into a pillow.
Pounding a cushion.
Shouting in your car.
Dancing it out.

Anger is energy. NVC doesn’t ask you to cut it off — just to compost it wisely.

Let the physical intensity move through, and then bring your words into alignment with your deeper truth.

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In Summary

Expressing Anger with NVC Means…

• You honour the anger - not bypass it

• You dig deeper -  beyond the judgement to the need.

• You speak your truth - without blaming

• You transform anger into clarity, connection, and potential for change

It’s radical. It’s healing. And it’s possible — even when it’s hard.

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Want to Practice?

If you’re longing to get better at navigating anger, yours or someone else’s — join me for one of my upcoming workshops.

We’ll explore:

• How to express yourself with honesty and care

• What to do when someone’s angry at you

• How to stay grounded when emotions run high

You’ll walk away with tools for real-life conflict… and real-life connection.

As we close the Year of the Snake, may we shed the communication habits that no longer serve — blame, shame, reactivity — and ride into the year of the Fire Horse with fierce compassion.

Let 2026 be a year of strength, power, and truth-telling — without causing more harm. 

With love, warmth, and fiery hope,
Alexx Certified Trainer, CNVC